The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train...

I promised myself that I would not get too super personal because I really want to keep this blog more light-hearted, but that hasn't really worked in the past. But seriously, this year has probably been the worst year of my life. I can't think of any other times when I was more depressed, saddened, stressed, angry, or pitiful than the last 8 months. Not even my senior year of high school when an undiagnosed thyroid problem so affected my mental and physical health that I contemplated suicide. Not even then. I keep trying to get out of this funk, but I can't. I have officially screwed myself over with my London tutorial considering it should have been done in JANUARY and I can't wait until Wednesday when I present my research and can forget my whole London experience never happened. Actually that's not true, I don't want to pretend it never happened, London was pretty awesome, I learned a lot about myself and I met some pretty awesome people. I just want to forget the bad stuff.

This year has just sucked. I did not do half of the things I should have done (or wanted to do) whilst I was in London. I have slacked on my work to the point where I am potentially risking my good academic standing, I have lost two friends which has subsequently affected almost all of my other relationships to the point where I feel like a total outcast most of the time and am forced to eat dinner alone every night, which is something I personally hate doing. I was assigned one of the smallest dorm rooms at the Priory which did not exactly create an environment conducive to learning. My mother has been in and out of the hospital with a potentially life threatening illness. Money, of course, has been a problem as always. And Christmas was one of the worst experiences in my recent memory. It's just sucked. I know that I should feel grateful I have so many opportunities. That I was able to live in London for 3 months, travel to France, Belgium, Holland, take part in the most historic elections in El Salvador's history, and travel to China in the summer. But it's hard. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone about it. Because I don't have anyone to tell. It's not that I don't have people around me to say things to, people that will listen or people that will at least make a half-hearted attempt at understanding, but I don't have people who will care. Maybe it's the individualistic environment of University life or maybe it's me and my reluctance to truly share anything personal, but I can't ever imagine telling my friends the problems I have been having for the last year, saying "my mom's in the hospital because she has blood clots in her lungs and I am afraid she's going to die" because they just don't care. I remember last semester, my grandfather died after a long illness. I had to tell my friends that I was going home for the funeral because I was supposed to go out with them that weekend. I didn't expect any huge condolences, I most likely would have felt uncomfortable with them anyway. But what I didn't expect was them to make a joke out of it. At dinner one night, after deciding to skip their night class and go see a movie (a movie which I was not invited too even though the planning of the night class escape happened in my presence) one of them came up with their brilliant plan. "We'll just tell Prof. Votaw our friend's grandfather died and we had to comfort her," she said. The other laughed commitingly. I felt my face turn hot, and for a few brief moments I felt as though I were going to cry, feeling not only sadness and the death of my grandfather who I selfishly did not visit in the nursing home as often as I should, but also feeling anger and disbelief at my friend's callous attitude towards something that was so deeply upsetting to me. People have accused me of not talking about my feelings. Is it any wonder? It's also difficult to talk about the utter alienation I feel at not being able to have a relationship at all with someone I once considered a friend and the subsequent alienation from group outings, Thursday night movies, and even dinner in the main campus dining hall, because she is still friends with the people I associate with and what's worse, a person I dislike has now seemingly taken my place amongst those I once considered my closest confidantes.

I thought that going to El Salvador (pictures and blog to come) would be a grounding experience for me, like it was last time. I thought I would find the familiar in the unfamiliar, which is exactly what I needed. And I did escape for a while and I did fall in love with the beautiful people all over again, but when I came back it was the same old shit just a different day. I guess I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle what my life has now become.