Fuck.

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I think tonight is the night I actually admitted to myself that I was graduating in May (at least I hope I am, I have my audit on Wednesday). And in admitting to myself that I am going to graduate in May, I also had to admit to myself that I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where I want to end up. Actually, that's not true, I have too many things I want to do and too many dreams and goals to possibly be satisfied just doing one. I feel as though I have slacked off the past three years. I should have gotten an internship, I should have taken more political science classes, I should have majored in Sociology, I should have taken the opportunity to study abroad more, the list goes on and on. And I have no answers. For some odd reason I feel as though whatever I do will be settling. If I go to grad school and get my Masters of Social Work in urban development (which is my current plan) then I will compromise my dream of going to law school. But if I go to law school, I will compromise other goals. It seems whatever I do, I will be compromising. You know what I really want to do? I want to live. I mean really really live. Do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Not worry about money, or making my parents proud of me, or getting a "good" job, or marrying some guy, or becoming a mother, or any of those there ridiculous pressures society puts on all of us. I want to be able to travel the world. I want to live in London again, be able to walk outside of my flat and already be somewhere. I want to go back to El Salvador, the only place I think I've truly experienced love. I want to go to Vietnam and see the country that forever changed my dad into someone I will never know. I want to go to the little town in Germany that my grandmother's family came from in the late 19th century. I want to go back to Amsterdam and actually do drugs. I want to do everything and anything. I almost feel as though if I don't experience everything and take advantage of every opportunity, then I won't ever be complete. I've never wanted to get married and I've never wanted kids. I've always just wanted me and my own life to be what I want it to be.

But I can't do these things. I don't have the money. So I have to go to school and get a job like a good little girl. It makes me sick to even think about it. People always say that you have to contribute to society, take an active part and help to keep the country running. But what if my contribution is just living my life? What if my contribution isn't making money, spending money, getting promotions, getting married and having kids, etc.? What if my contribution to society, to the world is to just be.

My dreams are impractical and most likely unreachable, but I can't help thinking that I'm 21 years old and graduating college in May. In the four years of college, I was supposed to have had the time of my life, purged all the fun from my system in order to become a responsible adult. But I feel like I've been a responsible adult my whole life. How am I supposed to make decisions about my future and create future goals in my life when I don't even know what my life is or how I want to live it?

So now I'm pretty much fucked. It's too late to do anything about it. I've had so many amazing opportunities and I'm certainly grateful for everything I have had and for all the people who have sacrificed so I could have them, but I can't graduate college, get my Masters and become a part of something I find so repulsive without completely sacrificing myself. Fuck.