The problem with being a masturbating Catholic

As a result of two major research projects I have hanging over my head, as well as my online class, I have decided to get down to business. The first order being to find a place to put all of my research/class materials. After finding and declining several possible choices, I decided to clean out a little cubbie in my bedside table which would have enough room to house my laptop and/or research materials. In doing so I found various odds and ends, including a condom from a health clinic in San Salvador that I took as a souvenir which, ironically, was manufactured in Korea. At a complete loss as to what to do with the unwanted, but completely usable junk I decided to just throw it all in the drawer right underneath the aforementioned cubbie. I opened the drawer and moved all the junk in there around to make room for the new copious amount of crap and grabbed some books to throw in the drawer. One of them was a dictionary which I apparently bought for $1 at K-mart and the other was entitled God's Little Devotional Book for Teens. I remember when I got this. It was a present from a family that I babysat for for about 6 years until I left for University and their kids grew up. For some reason they would usually give me religious themed gifts (they were hardcore Catholics), which I would graciously accept then never look at again. Thus, it ended up with a condom from San Salvador by way of Korea. As I move to put the book into the drawer I realize that I am about to lovingly nestle my God's Little Devotional Book for Teens right next to my vibrator and a copy of Emmanuelle. While I obviously have no problem with vibrators or underground French erotica, I just could not bring myself to put even the most secular of religious texts next to either one. Maybe it is some weird sense of decency. Maybe it's the Catholic guilt in me. Or maybe it's just that I don't want to think of my seventh grade catechism teacher referring to masturbation as "self abuse" everytime I reach for my vibrator to do just that. In any case, I decided to throw the book out. In a couple months I won't even be a teenager anymore, much less need a devotional book to help me get through the day. Sex can wait. Masturbate.

It's official: God hates period blood.

Just a little bit from the book of Leviticus. You know, the book about Jewish laws and ceremonial rites that Christians don't give a shit about until they get to the part about gay sex being not so sexy (Yeah, that's where they get it).

"Whenever a woman menstruates, she shall be in a state of ceremonial defilement for seven days afterwards, and during that time anyone touching her shall be defiled until evening. Anything she lies on or sits upon during that time shall be defiled. Anyone touching her bed or anything she sits upon shall wash his clothes and bathe himself and be ceremonially defiled until evening. A man having sexual intercouse with her during this time is ceremonially defiled for seven days, and every bed he lies upon shall be defiled. If the menstrual flow continues after the normal time, or at some irregular time during the month, the same rules apply as indicated above, so that anything she lies upon during that time is defiled, just as it would be during her normal menstrual period, and everything she sits on is in a similar state of defilement. Anyone touching her bed or anything she sits on shall be defiled, and shall wash his clothes and bathe and be defiled until evening. Seven days after the menstruating stops, she is no longer cermemonially defiled. On the eighth day, she shall take two turtledoves or two young pigeons and bring them to the priest at the entrance of the Tabernacle, and the priest shall offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering, and make atonement for her before the Lord for her menstrual defilement." Leviticus 15: 19-30.

What's interesting is not really the rituals a woman has to go through for having her period. What's interesting is what a man has to go through if he discharges semen.

"Whenever a man's semen goes out from him, he shall take a complete bath and be ceremonially impure (my emphasis) until the evening. Any clothing or bedding the semen spills on must be washed and remain ceremonially defiled until evening. After sexual intercourse, the woman as well as the man must bathe, and they are ceremonially defiled until the next evening." Leviticus 15: 16-18.

While translations obviously differ and I'm sure the Hebrew text would be much more interesting than my Catholicized version, it's pretty clear that God is not down with period blood. Which sucks because period blood is awesome.

....Maybe Moses misheard?