Ugh...people and stuff.

This blog isn't really going to be wittyor about anything in particular because I'm in a weird mood. I just got back from my study tour on Monday, which was pretty fun and included York, Edinburgh, Glasgow, and the Lake District. Edinburgh was fun: I found an internet cafe and tried haggis and the Lake District was beautiful, but now it's back to the grind in London. I didn't do anything today, it was nice to be home with no people. I called my mom and just puttered around laundering and picking up shit that people leave all over, which of course no one noticed I did. I have a feeling my pet peeve about clutter and dishes in the sink will lead people to take advantage of me, but it was geting to be between me doing it and it not getting done. But whatevs, it's not really that big of a deal. I should have done contacts today, but I'm thinking I'll go out Sunday, which is usually my free day and hit some museums, because I haven't seen enough of those already. I am going to be happy when I get to be in my own room at Dominican. I think roommates need to mesh well and I have already had roommate that I didn't mesh with at all and it pretty much sucked. So seeing this situation evolve into the same type of relationship makes me kind of pissed. But some things aren't my scene. Bars aren't my scene. One night stands aren't my scene. Bringing guys I just met back home to my flat and hooking up with me after he orginially went home with one of my friends isn't my scene. I think London is making me more independent. But I think people mistake independence for anti-social behavior. I don't like to be alone all the time, I like to be around people and I like to have friends, even though I have few friends and no true close friends, I still like to be around people. But I think the independence I am gaining here is good for me. Finding my way on my own is good for me. Being comfortable being on my own is good for me. I have been wondering lately whether or not I should be concerned with the way my personality is panning out. This summer I was very anti-social and the one social occassion I did venture into turned sour after I realized I have nothing in common with most of the peope with whom I went to high school, and in my opinion, they are so informed it borders on stupidity. But high school is over. I am an adult, both politically and hopefully emotionally, so I should act like an adult. The concept of adulthood is difficult for me to grasp because many the people my age who revel in the rites of passage into true adulthood (21st birthday etc.) are some of the most loathsome people I know. Speaking of drinking, since I have been in London, the act of drinking to excess has become even more unappealing to me. Maybe it's because of my childhood and the problem my dad had with alcoholism during that time, but right now I find drinking to excess one of the most unattrative things anyone could ever do, and it seems like in this city I can not get away from it. And it seems to get less funny the more time I spend here. Almost stepping in vomit on the sidewalk once was funny. Not so much the second, third, fourth, and fifth times. But this is something that I have to deal with. The "typical" 21-year-old drinks a lot and I guess I just have to get used to it, especially in this city. Back to the meshing. It's hard for me to not mesh with people because I feel like I am pretty easy-going and easy to get along with, but I am finding out (and have been told by people) that that is not the case, that maybe it's just me. Maybe I come across as something that put people off. Maybe I'm too opiniated or loud or unattractive. But what can I do? I am who I am because that's what my experiences have made me become. It's hard to explain to people, it's hard for me to say some thing out loud. I'm so sorry for being who I am, what a terrible thing to be.

I'm sorry I'm cheap. I grew up blue-collar middle class, living pay check to pay check. College is expensive, so is grad school and I have students loans I will eventually have to pay off. I learned to be cheap.

I'm sorry I do not want to go out and get drunk. There was at time when I thought that was a cool thing to do, but I grew up with an alcoholic father, believing his drinking was the result of some sort of character flaw of mine. I will always have a bad relationship with alcohol. And I will always fear too much of it. I learned not to drink too much. And I learned to not trust people use alcohol irresponsibly.

I'm sorry I'm loud. I like laughing and I like being heard when it's appropriate. If you don't like that tell me to shut up or go away.

I'm sorry I am blunt. I don't believe many things are taboo and I don't mind having intelligent conversations about things that make other people feel uncomfortable. There were a lot of secrets in my house when I was growing up and it was hard for me to deal with those when they came to light. I learned to be blunt.

I'm sorry that I do things my own way. If I don't fit into any sort of category then it is through no fault of my own. I used to be obsessed with what people thought of me. Now I have grown and couldn't really give a shit.

I'm sorry I'm a woman with strong views on women's issues. I'm sorry you feel threatened by that. I can debate maturely or I can argue immaturely. Either way I believe in my convictions and I will do whatever it takes to make them heard. If you do not want to discuss something with me because you are afraid that I will start "ranting," then you are a coward.

I'm sorry I'm a 20-year-old virgin and you find that puzzling. I don't need to explain anything to you about my sex life. It's not your business.

I'm sorry I wear jeans and t-shirts and don't buy shoulderbags. My life must be completely lacking. Forgive me for interrupting your bubble of high class style with my utter lack of fashion sense. Fashion is not an interest of mine. And I'm cheap. I might as well be dead.

I'm sorry I grew up in a small town and do not know as much as the almighty ones who grew up in the suburbs or the city. I must be totally missing out and the fact that I pronounce "milk" differently from you must mean that I grew up in the middle of nowhere.

I'm sorry I do not have as much money as you do. Sometimes, that's just the way things pan out. I wish I had more money, but what's point in hoping for something you will never get.

I'm sorry you can't relate to me because I am so different from you. Nothing you do or say will change the fact that we are different. But who's the norm. You or me?

I can't make people like me if they don't. And I can't change myself and pretend to be something else to make people like me. This isn't 6th grade. And I don't want to be concerned with whether or not people know who I really am or "get" me. Because I'm not changing either way.

So far London has been good even though one of the girls left the program earlier this week. I don't know why, but it's sad, whatever the reason, that she can't stay and have this awesome experience. I don't miss much about home, even though people keep telling me that I will have this horrible homesickness. I miss some T.V. and I miss some food, but that candy is a lot better here so that's good. On a happier note, Kings of Leon have a new album Only By The Night which is brilliant and which I happen to be listening to right now. Unfortunately, I can't sync my i-pod with my laptop so I can only listen to the record on here, but it's still pretty amazing. Right now I amd debating on whether or not I should post this blog because I usually don't get this personal. I know I write a lot of personal things on here, but I rarely talk about my childhood and the situation with my dad, mainly because I am literally unable to speak of it and have difficulty even typing it. Although I know very very few people read this, I still find it hard to put myself out that. Maybe I do hide myself from people after all.

There's No Crying in Politics

I was reading an editorial in the Sunday Times in which a California-born U.S. citizen, raised and still living in London, wrote of what a ridiculous choice Sarah Palin is for the Vice President of the U.S. and I couldn't help but cry. In the past four years, since George Bush was re-elected, I have cried a lot over U.S. politics and the state of the U.S. I cried angry tears when I found out that George Bush had been re-elected and I, at 16 years old, could do nothing about it. And I cried sad tears when I realized that young men and women my age were being sent to Iraq and some would not come home. I cried frustrated tears when I heard young republicans speak of the need for Roe V. Wade to be overturned. I cried tears of disbelief when I heard that some Republicans were circulating pins displaying the phrase "if Obama wins, can we still call the White House white?" And I cried happy tears when I learned Barack Obama secured the Democratic presidential nomination.

I could list grievances I have with the current Bush regime and I could list potential grievances I will have with a McCain regime. But those have already been said before by too many people. For me, politics is more than facts and figures, it's more than electoral votes and campaign slogans. Because, for me, the fundamental views on society and economy and minority issues expressed within politics are so deeply ingrained in my psyhce, in my soul, that I can not separate politics from my life. Many of the things about my personality that affect my politics have been taught to me. I am not racist because my parents raised me to believe that skin color or ethnic background has nothing to do with a person's moral and intellectual character. This is why I am opposed to racism in any form and my politics reflect this. I am not homophobic because my parents raised me to believe that sexuality is not a choice and no one should be disrepsected for an inherent characteristic. And although I do not necessarily believe that sexuality is something we are born with, this is why I am opposed to homophobia and the denial of basic civil rights to gays and lesbians and my politics reflect this. I come from immigrants. My parents taught me that everyone deserves a fair shot and to always help someone out when they are down. This is why I support amnesty for illegal aliens and support more legal immigration to the United States and my politics reflect this. I come from a farming family. My parents have taught me that the soil has not only grown food, but also my family's way of life. This is why I support farmers and blue-collar workers and my politics reflect this. I grew up middle-class, living pay check to pay check. My parents raised me to believe that people must work hard to get what they deserve. And they taught me that sometimes people who work the hardest, don't get anything in return. This is why I support labor unions and am against the privatization of healthcare and my politics reflect this. I am a member of a military family. My parents taught me that war is something to be avoided at all costs. This is why I am against the war in Iraq and my politics reflect this. As a young woman the power of my body is awe inspiring. I can sustain life within me and my parents raised me to believe that this is an important aspect of my life and the decisions I make as a woman. This is why I am vehemently pro-choice and my politics reflect this. My politics are more than who I mark on a ballot. It is who I am. It is where I grew up. It is my personality and I can not, will not, apologize for that. To anyone. Ever.

This isn't a Democrat vs. Republican issue, not really. But it has been made that way through the political machine that is the United States. And so I choose a side. One that reflects my way of life and therefore my politics. I am reborn a Democrat. Before this was just a label. Not to me. It is who I am. But I used to be neutral when it comes to relationships with others who had opposite viewpoints concerning my politics. But my politics are no longer abstract. My politics are me.

And I can't be neutral anymore. I can't stand so strongly for something and be o.k with those who completely oppose my views. Because the fact is, I blame them. I blame every person who voted for George Bush in 2004 for the state of the U.S. today. The men and women who have died in Iraq, the Iraqi civilians, those poor innocent children who have died on the streets. All of their blood is on the hands of those who marked that fateful box in 2004. I can not accept this. I can not associate with those who do not believe in the fundamental things that I believe in. I can not be friends, date, have any sort of relationship with anyone who is so against what I feel so deeply in my soul is right. It is impossible. It's not mean. It's not direspectful. It's something I have to do. I have to do it for me. And I have to do it for all those who have been hurt by what our country has done under the Bush regime. I can not stand for something or someone who has supported so much violence and terror in the name of "freedom." It's unethical. It's hypocrisy. It's disgusting.

I do not know if I would call myself a Christian as I believe that Jesus of Nazareth can be a number of things to a number of people. And I can not say for certain that I believe in one omnipresent God. But I do believe that each person has the basic capability to be good. To make wise decisions. To treat others with respect. To love. To hate. And to see through a facade of lies, hypocrisy, revenge, sexism, racism, and greed that so permeates the current political situation in the U.S. Jerry Rubin once said that "politics is how you live your live, not whom you support or whom you vote for." Though I believe this to be true, I still believe that whom you support or whom you vote for reflects how you live your life.

I am only one person. And I am young. And I could go to protests and I could go to local meetings of other like-minded Democrats who share my views. And I could send letters to my congressmen about issues I am concerned about. And I could stand on the corner and pass out leaflets, tell everyone I know about my views. Or I could cry. And I could pray. Cry out in anguish and hope to whatever God or force of Nature that will listen, that I will not return to a country, my country that I want to desperately to succeed, under the tyranny of the Right.

Ok. I Had A Pint. Can I Get Back to the Museum Now: A bitching blog

Ok. First of all. I went to see a ballet of Dorian Gray and it was amazing. Gay sex in general is cool, but gay ballet sex...way awesome. After the ballet I went with my flatmates and another girl on the trip to a pub and we each had a pint (expect Mackenzie). Since I'm a total lame American who doesn't really drink, I ended up having an original Budweiser, that comes from the Czech Republic. Not...wherever the fuck they make Budweiser in the U.S. I went after my roommate in my flat had been sort of pestering me to go out with her for a while so I thought I should be a little social and go have a drink. To be honest with you. It wasn't that exciting. I have drunk beer before. I know that I just turned 20 and I'm not legal in the U.S. and that the drinking age in the U.K. is 18 so I am legal here. But that doesn't mean I all of the sudden have this deep urge to go out to pubs or clubs or whatevs. That's just not my scene. I'm kind of sick of everyone saying that I or Mackenzie should go out and have fun in pubs or clubs just because we are in London.

Guess what! There are bars in the U.S.

Guess what! They sell Guiness right in the heart of Illinois.

Guess what! In Chicago they don't have the museum of London, boat tours on the River Thames, old Roman walls to see, the tower of London, the Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace, the University of London, the Victoria and Albert Museum, the Royal Observeratory, Kensal Green Cemetery, Trafalgar Square, Hyde Park, Dickens' House, the London Aquarium, Albert Hall, Cabinet war rooms, the Florence Nightingale Museum, and the National Gallery and a ton of other places completely unique to London and Great Britain as a whole.

Oh and do you want to know how much that pint cost me. Over £3. Yes, that's right almost $6. I'm not saying that's a horrible deal, considering there was no cover charge. But I am saying that £3 can also help me get into museums, go on walking tours, go on the Tower of London experience, take another double decker bus tour, EAT for Christ's sake. I'm not going to feel bad about going out for a drink, having one pint, and coming home. Because I shouldn't feel bad about doing that.

I know I am 20. I know I'm young. But that doesn't mean I have to fall into some categorical stereotype that involves drinking or going out and hooking up with random people just because I am in a new city. If anything, that should discourage me from taking part in potentially risky or dangerous situations such as drinking too much and walking home after dark. I might sound like a prude or I might sound totally lame, but that's ok with me. When I go home to Henry IL (pop. 2600) I won't remember not going to a pub and getting wasted. I will remember not going to a museum or seeing a statue or just sitting in the park for the afternoon. I only have three months here and it's going to go by fast. I'm not judging people for going out and having fun, if that is their idea of fun. It's just not for me right now. I'm not saying I won't ever go out. I'm just saying... My friends in the U.S. were telling me I should go out and have a good time, meaning going to pubs and drinking. But I have fun in a lot of different ways besides that. I don't want to sound like a D.A.R.E. officer or some PSA, but seriously crack is whack.

London is such an amazing city for history. Not only because of all the museums, etc. but because history is all around. It's different from the U.S. in that the visible history goes back to the Roman times and the different stages of development can be seen through architecture, language, literature and so much more.

But the United States has a rich history too. And the United States has a HUGE impact on the world that can not be ignored. I don't understand it. It seems like there are so many undergrads studying humanities yet the people coming up the ranks of secondary education are so ignorant about the basic social sciences and humanities. I don't know if it is the result of lack of resources, good teachers, or just a lack of interest. But, as a U.S. History/American studies major, it's unsettling.

When we were taking a walking tour of London today, I heard some people behind me talking about U.S. History. They were basically saying that U.S. history sucks because we don't have all of the "cool" historical things that Great Britain, and really, the rest of the world has to offer. They were also saying that history was "boring" in the United States. I'm assuming because our nation is less than 250 years old. Obviously, it made me sad to hear citizens of the U.S. say things about our country, but it also offended me as a U.S. history major. I did not say anything to them then, but I wish that I would have asked them specifically what they thought was boring about U.S. history. It is because the U.S. does not have Roman artifacts lying throughout U.S. cities? It is because we don't have all the written records of history that Great Britian has to offer, therefore making it harder to piece together an idea of life in another time? I really could not understand it. Yes, I know the U.S. is young. But it's not fair to judge the United States history with that of another country that has been inhabited for thousands of years. A comparison just can not be made.

Though a comparison can not be made, it is a fact that the United States has a rich cultural history before Europeans even set foot on the continent. Only recently has Native American studies become a valid and respected academic field. And perhaps, if it weren't for the U.S. government's systematic, deliberate, and often times violent destruction of Native American life, we would know more about these awesome tribal people. Though it does set us back that the Native American people left no written records and it majorly sucks that their cultural traditions and ways of life were nearly wiped out by missionaries and other kinds of cultural terrorists, the Native American tribes and federations still hold infinite possiblities for further culture studies into the origins of the United States as they not only built socities around certain spiritual and societal beliefs, but they also used the landscape of an unblemished North America as well as the bountiful resources the earth provided for them to create working harmonious societies that people have been trying to replicate for years.

But beyond the Native Americans, the United States has contributed so much to the world. I'm not going to turn this into a history lesson, but especially within the last century, the United Staets has proved to be a driving force behind many economic and political happenings on an international scale as well as building up a capitalist society. And whether or not you agree with U.S. politics or capitalism, the U.S. is an impressive country, not matter what its age in years.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as far as history goes the United States should not have to compete with any country and lose for not being old enough, or interesting enough, or historical enough. Every place, every country has something to offer. London is new and exciting and all we can really do at this point is to compare it to our reference point which is the United States. But it is very disheartening to hear that young Americans feel like our country's history is worthless because it does not touch them on the same scale that another country's history does. History doesn't just come to you, sometimes you have to go looking for it. You could be in London for years and never see a museum or see an ancient Roman wall or do anything of that sort. Just like people can live their entire lives in the United States and never know it's rich history. It's all in perspective. I was disappointed to hear people say disparaging things about the U.S., especially as Americans representing our country overseas. But if I got heated over every ignorant comment I heard by an American, Sarah Palin would probably make me explode.

The Tube, T.V. and gynecological issues...

I always like to start off my blogs with a little bit of sunshine. But there isn't really any sunshine in London right now, so I'll have to begin with this sort of yeastyish infection that I may be developing. I have only had one yeast infection in my life and it wasn't even that bad, it just went away with the cream, and I didn't have to use those horrible "vaginal suppositories." Seriously if I could make a list of phrases that I would never want to hear or see on a cardboard box again, it would be that one. Anywho, I am not completely sure what's up, but I am hoping that it will go away on its own. Personally, I'm blaming it on dehydration. So I'm drinking lots of water and peeing more often which is good. I just really don't want to go to a British doctor. The thought of a suave handsome young British gentlemen telling me to scoot down, put my feet in the stirrups, and saying "just let your legs fall open, love" is too horrifying to contemplate any longer than I already have.

I'm not particularly religious because I believe I have spent too much time on that tripe already in my short life. But I do believe in forces of nature working for or against people. Today I was one of those people. Mackenzie and I did our best to ditch the group after we toured Westminster Abbey and were going to take the tube back to our flat and maybe go to a Quaker meeting (for a contact and for Mackenzie's personal journey of faith or whatever). But it was not to be. We did not know what train to get on so we waited for a while and left on the disrict line which would have connected to the circle line which we needed to get on. Unfortunately, the circle line was suspended between a large number of stops so we were forced to get on another line Hammersmith, unfortunately that was closed to. So after a few aboveground walking stints, some false starts, and some totally indiscreet map viewing we found our way to the metropolitan line which eventually took us to our stop. Actually, whilst typing this, it does not seem like such an big undertaking, but for someone who has been in London for 4 days, it was quite an experience. Everyone is telling me I will have to adjust and that I will eventually "ride the rollercoaster" of emotion that comes with moving and adjusting to a different country. Right now I miss two things: can openers and television. It seems that with everything I have done the hardest, by far, has been to open a can of Irish stew. Unfortunately, the can opener in our flat (albeit one that we were provided with) does not work though we have all tried to use it in various and creative ways. And so far the only inkling of homesickness I have felt in this journey has been when I could not open that FUCKING STUPID CAN OF IRISH STEW. And I guess I was also a little angry at the fact that I could not open the can. For a second, maybe I thought "the Irish can keep their fecking stew, I'm going back to Chicago to get a real can opener." But I'm still here and the Irish stew is still in the can. This could be a result or faulty kitchen utensil or it could be the result of my total incompetence in the realm of cooking. But I prefer to see it as God, or maybe Pamela Anderson, telling me to not eat mutton.

One thing that I have noticed is that I have no sense of time or date. I don't have a watch and I just recently got my cell phone and I suppose I am still a little jet-lagged, but for some reason I can not get a hold of the time and date. I think it's because of television. At home, I watch a lot of T.V. I pencil television into my schedule. I plan my days around my favorite programs. Of course, here the programs are different. Of course they have a lot of American television, too much in some cases, but the basic shows at the basic time that I watch them are not on in Great Britain. And it's totally fucking with my mind. Army Wives wasn't on last night so I have no sense of time after 9 p.m. And what about Intervention or The Hills? If people weren't addicted to crystal meth and Lauren wasn't feuding with Heidi, Monday would just be a blur. And what about the new shows I will miss. The Real World/Road Rules challenges, the new season of E.R.? Am I just supposed to stop caring about them? Leave them behind while I go pursue other interests like, oh I don't know, seeing some of the greatest historical sights in the world? I suppose I have no other choice. Sure, I can watch some shows on-line and really, The Hills isn't rocket science, it's not even reality. But it still makes me think. If I can't get through a week without television show to keep me on track. If I can't make it without feeling that tingly suspense right before a new episode of one of my favorite shows begins. Will I come back to the U.S. a changed person? Will I somehow become more of a person of substance? Or will I just become more of a chronic masturbator. I guess only time and the good Lord will tell.