Ugh...people and stuff.

This blog isn't really going to be wittyor about anything in particular because I'm in a weird mood. I just got back from my study tour on Monday, which was pretty fun and included York, Edinburgh, Glasgow, and the Lake District. Edinburgh was fun: I found an internet cafe and tried haggis and the Lake District was beautiful, but now it's back to the grind in London. I didn't do anything today, it was nice to be home with no people. I called my mom and just puttered around laundering and picking up shit that people leave all over, which of course no one noticed I did. I have a feeling my pet peeve about clutter and dishes in the sink will lead people to take advantage of me, but it was geting to be between me doing it and it not getting done. But whatevs, it's not really that big of a deal. I should have done contacts today, but I'm thinking I'll go out Sunday, which is usually my free day and hit some museums, because I haven't seen enough of those already. I am going to be happy when I get to be in my own room at Dominican. I think roommates need to mesh well and I have already had roommate that I didn't mesh with at all and it pretty much sucked. So seeing this situation evolve into the same type of relationship makes me kind of pissed. But some things aren't my scene. Bars aren't my scene. One night stands aren't my scene. Bringing guys I just met back home to my flat and hooking up with me after he orginially went home with one of my friends isn't my scene. I think London is making me more independent. But I think people mistake independence for anti-social behavior. I don't like to be alone all the time, I like to be around people and I like to have friends, even though I have few friends and no true close friends, I still like to be around people. But I think the independence I am gaining here is good for me. Finding my way on my own is good for me. Being comfortable being on my own is good for me. I have been wondering lately whether or not I should be concerned with the way my personality is panning out. This summer I was very anti-social and the one social occassion I did venture into turned sour after I realized I have nothing in common with most of the peope with whom I went to high school, and in my opinion, they are so informed it borders on stupidity. But high school is over. I am an adult, both politically and hopefully emotionally, so I should act like an adult. The concept of adulthood is difficult for me to grasp because many the people my age who revel in the rites of passage into true adulthood (21st birthday etc.) are some of the most loathsome people I know. Speaking of drinking, since I have been in London, the act of drinking to excess has become even more unappealing to me. Maybe it's because of my childhood and the problem my dad had with alcoholism during that time, but right now I find drinking to excess one of the most unattrative things anyone could ever do, and it seems like in this city I can not get away from it. And it seems to get less funny the more time I spend here. Almost stepping in vomit on the sidewalk once was funny. Not so much the second, third, fourth, and fifth times. But this is something that I have to deal with. The "typical" 21-year-old drinks a lot and I guess I just have to get used to it, especially in this city. Back to the meshing. It's hard for me to not mesh with people because I feel like I am pretty easy-going and easy to get along with, but I am finding out (and have been told by people) that that is not the case, that maybe it's just me. Maybe I come across as something that put people off. Maybe I'm too opiniated or loud or unattractive. But what can I do? I am who I am because that's what my experiences have made me become. It's hard to explain to people, it's hard for me to say some thing out loud. I'm so sorry for being who I am, what a terrible thing to be.

I'm sorry I'm cheap. I grew up blue-collar middle class, living pay check to pay check. College is expensive, so is grad school and I have students loans I will eventually have to pay off. I learned to be cheap.

I'm sorry I do not want to go out and get drunk. There was at time when I thought that was a cool thing to do, but I grew up with an alcoholic father, believing his drinking was the result of some sort of character flaw of mine. I will always have a bad relationship with alcohol. And I will always fear too much of it. I learned not to drink too much. And I learned to not trust people use alcohol irresponsibly.

I'm sorry I'm loud. I like laughing and I like being heard when it's appropriate. If you don't like that tell me to shut up or go away.

I'm sorry I am blunt. I don't believe many things are taboo and I don't mind having intelligent conversations about things that make other people feel uncomfortable. There were a lot of secrets in my house when I was growing up and it was hard for me to deal with those when they came to light. I learned to be blunt.

I'm sorry that I do things my own way. If I don't fit into any sort of category then it is through no fault of my own. I used to be obsessed with what people thought of me. Now I have grown and couldn't really give a shit.

I'm sorry I'm a woman with strong views on women's issues. I'm sorry you feel threatened by that. I can debate maturely or I can argue immaturely. Either way I believe in my convictions and I will do whatever it takes to make them heard. If you do not want to discuss something with me because you are afraid that I will start "ranting," then you are a coward.

I'm sorry I'm a 20-year-old virgin and you find that puzzling. I don't need to explain anything to you about my sex life. It's not your business.

I'm sorry I wear jeans and t-shirts and don't buy shoulderbags. My life must be completely lacking. Forgive me for interrupting your bubble of high class style with my utter lack of fashion sense. Fashion is not an interest of mine. And I'm cheap. I might as well be dead.

I'm sorry I grew up in a small town and do not know as much as the almighty ones who grew up in the suburbs or the city. I must be totally missing out and the fact that I pronounce "milk" differently from you must mean that I grew up in the middle of nowhere.

I'm sorry I do not have as much money as you do. Sometimes, that's just the way things pan out. I wish I had more money, but what's point in hoping for something you will never get.

I'm sorry you can't relate to me because I am so different from you. Nothing you do or say will change the fact that we are different. But who's the norm. You or me?

I can't make people like me if they don't. And I can't change myself and pretend to be something else to make people like me. This isn't 6th grade. And I don't want to be concerned with whether or not people know who I really am or "get" me. Because I'm not changing either way.

So far London has been good even though one of the girls left the program earlier this week. I don't know why, but it's sad, whatever the reason, that she can't stay and have this awesome experience. I don't miss much about home, even though people keep telling me that I will have this horrible homesickness. I miss some T.V. and I miss some food, but that candy is a lot better here so that's good. On a happier note, Kings of Leon have a new album Only By The Night which is brilliant and which I happen to be listening to right now. Unfortunately, I can't sync my i-pod with my laptop so I can only listen to the record on here, but it's still pretty amazing. Right now I amd debating on whether or not I should post this blog because I usually don't get this personal. I know I write a lot of personal things on here, but I rarely talk about my childhood and the situation with my dad, mainly because I am literally unable to speak of it and have difficulty even typing it. Although I know very very few people read this, I still find it hard to put myself out that. Maybe I do hide myself from people after all.