Ashley and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Actually the title of the book is Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. An excellent book if I do say so myself and I do empathize with little Alexander. However, unlike Alexander, who wants to move to Australia, I am already thousands of miles from home. So I will have to come up with a better solution to my bad day. Actually, today isn't a bad day really. It's a revelation day. I have had a couple of these days in my life. Days when things really become clear and I can see things for what they really are. But today it was tough, because revelations aren't always happy. So today was not a happy revelation.

I hate stupid phrases. Like the ones that Daisy puts under the foil on their cartons of sour cream, but today I'm all for sappy phrases and I keep repeating this one in my head that I probably heard at some graduation or wedding or God knows what: "the only people you need in your life are the ones who need you in theirs." For some reason this is just ringing so true to me today.

I've said before that I do not have good friends, and that is pretty much true. I don't know if I just don't let people in or I have some personality flaw that completely turns people off, but I really do not have many good friends. Most of the people I associate with are friends and little more than aquaintances. Though I may share things with them, the things I say to them, conversations we have, I could pretty much have with anyone. No one really knows my past, besides my mom and my dad and some things about my past I can't speak of except to my mother. Some things I can't speak of except to myself. Sometimes I feel angry that I let my past affect me so much, but what has happened in my life has made me who I am today so I can't ignore my past. But sometimes it's just too painful to confront and it gets to be a heavy burden. My mother once asked me if there was any way I would ever be able to forgive my father and her for things that happened in my childhood. I said no. In some ways I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to be so upset about what happened when I was a kid. I had food, clothes, and shelter which is a lot more than what some children have. But I am entitled to feel. I used to allow people to make me feel bad for feeling the way I wanted to, but I don't allow that anymore. Anyway, when I was in therapy I looked at my actions and tried to determine why I did the things I do and discovered a lot of my personality traits, nuances, etc., etc. are based on previous experience. So I guess in a sense, if you don't know my past, you don't know me. But recently I've been trying to break out of this cycle of the past affecting my present to much. Physically, I can. Physically, I will never let myself be dependent on alcohol, I will never stay in a marriage where one partner only takes and another only gives, I will not associate myself with people who drink to excess just for the sake of drinking, I will not give up my dreams for anyone or anything. But it's tough to break this cycle mentally. I'm trying though.

That being said, I would say that I have one good friend, who knows just about everything about me and although unfortunately I only speak with her about once every one or two months and see here even less, our friendship is strong enough to survive us going to school 5 hours apart. And I love her for that. But just because I don't have good friends, that doesn't mean I don't value the friendships I do have, because my friends are important to me, they keep me sane and assure me that I am not alone even when I feel the most lonely. I always thought that the reason I didn't have friends was because I wasn't social enough or like I said before, I just put off bad vibes. But maybe that is just who I am. Maybe the saying is true. Maybe enough people just don't need me in their lives.

I have this need for approval sometimes. It's not necessarily any tangible approval either. I just want to know that someone, somewhere is getting what I am saying or doing. Most of the time I get that from my friends, people who (for the most part) are on the same page as me. But I also have a fear of not meeting that approval. A fear that nobody, nowhere will get what I am saying or doing. I think that is why I hide a lot of my feelings from people. Why I don't tell my friends what I am truly thinking or feeling. Some of my friends just don't really care how I am feeling, which is ok. Not everyone has the same type of personality as me and not everyone has the ability to care about others' feelings more so than their own. It sucks sometimes, but I deal with it, or at least try to. I get afraid that if I tell people how I am feeling I will be called "immature" or "highschoolish," which is how one friend referred to me. But I can't worry about that anymore. I can't not be the way I am because someone thinks I should be another way. I tried that. It doesn't work.

I had to write this super ridiculous statement, to be submitted to my International Studies director, about living in London and what I have learned. It was mostly cheese whiz and I made it as sappy as I could, but I did tell the truth about one thing. London has changed me as a person. I am more independent. And not independent in the sense that I am paying rent, buying a car, etc. Because I am not doing those things (although I did buy my own toilet paper for the first time). Living here has made me more independent in that I do not need people who do not need me. I do not need people who don't care, take enough time, or do any of those things that makes someone worthy of being in my life. I can't wait around for people. I can't wait around for anything. I have to do what I have to do when I have to do it. I don't have to go to grad school at Dominican because I am too afraid to go somewhere on my own. I don't have to move to Peoria after graduation because I feel I would be out of my comfort zone anywhere else. I don't have to do anything simply because I have fear or because I do not think I will be able to make it. If I spend my whole life looking down, making sure I don't trip and fall on my face I will never be able to look up and see what's around me. I can't be scared to take chances anymore. And I can't fear change as something that will radically alter my life. I have to be who I am or else I'm nothing.

But this revelation comes with big responsibilites. It means that I have to make changes in my life, make decisions that might be hard to make. I have to re-think where I want to go to grad school, where I want to live, where I want to...everything. If I am no longer letting things hold me back, my life looks a lot different. And the people in it may change too. It's hard to realize that people in my life may not necessarily want to be there. That maybe they just got pulled in for one reason or another and now I won't let go of them. It's a tough realization, but this weekend has made that more clear, I think. Though this day hasn't been great, really the past two days haven't been great, I think in the long run it's just one of those things....I'm not sure what I'm going to do next, where my next move will be. But in some ways that only adds to the chaotic beauty of it all. I'm not worried about who I am or who I will be. That will work itself out.

But if I'm still eating Top Ramen when I'm 35. Then we've got problems.