Feminist Rant

So...I was reading aol.com because, let's face it, Britney's life is more interesting than my own and I came across a curious headline.
Our BodiesBetrayed Us
We're Blushing Over Dimpled Thighs,Sag Spots: Fix-Ups for 10 Icky Issues
Ok. So I know that aol.com is notorious for having the whole lose "10 pounds in 10 days" and all of the other "get off the couch fat ass" weight loss articles, tips, etc. But for some reason this really pissed me off. Here are the list of the 10 Icky Issues aol thinks women need to fix:
1) My Thighs Look Like Cottage Cheese
2) My Breasts Aren't Perky Enough
3) My Nipples Are Always Hard (this tip has a picture of a band-aid beside it, which kind of scared me.)
4) How Can I Get Rid of My Muffin Top?
5) I'm the Only One Who Gains Weight
6) I Fried My Hair
7) I Have Yucky Stuff Under My Nails
8) I Bathe Daily But I Reek
9) I Smell Down There (this "tip" never mentions the word vagina and has a picture of a white, blossoming flower beside it, Hello 1955!)
10) How Should I Maintain My Bikini Line?
I think the problems with these "problems" is that they really aren't problems at all. Granted, if you do really "smell down there" you may have some gynecological issues to deal with, but beyond that most of the "problems" were normal issues every woman has to deal with or has dealt with at one point in her life no matter age, race, weight etc. It makes me wonder why women are so obsessed with negatively obsessing about their bodies. You can go into any store and find creams, pills, sprays, lotions, medicated wipes, and God knows what else to make women feel younger, fresher, prettier, perkier, thinner and above all else happier. My confusion is epitomized in this article. As I read all of the "problems" that women supposedly suffer from, solutions aol.com doles out all include getting rid of that which makes us feminine. It isn't just enough to make women feel they should be ashamed of their bodies, now women must take action to correct what others consider undesirable at the expense of their sex, whether it is taping down our nipples our ripping off our pubic hair. I used to think that magazine printed articles about "problen areas" and that companies made all this anti-this, anti-that shit to make money. But now I think maybe it's an overt attack on being a woman. And being proud of it. So I made my own little "tip" list covering all the "problems" aol.com seems to think women have.
1) My Thighs Look Like Cottage Cheese Despite what many may think cellulite will not kill you. It's just shows you're getting older, but so is everybody else. Be lucky you are getting older. You could be dead.
2) My Breasts Aren't Perky Enough Well aside from the fact that you think your breasts aren't up to par because of the media and the unrealistic ideal of womanhood we keep being fed, your tits are awesome. Trust me. If your tits aren't what they once were it could be that you're getting older (again be glad to be alive) or maybe you had a baby (which is awesome, one less human I have create) besides they could be hanging down to your belt and some dude would still want to touch them. Relax.
3) My Nipples Are Always Hard I am failing to see why this is a problem? Nipples are nipples. They get hard and no one will be shocked to see you have them. Wear a padded bra and put on a sweater.
4) How Can I Get Rid of My Muffin Top? Ahh a very poor choice of words for this type of "ailment." But on this one I'm going to have to go with AOL. Just buy the right size jeans. But really, who doesn't like muffins?
5) I'm the Only One Who Gains Weight This clearly is untrue and frankly just stupid. So I have no opinion on this one. If you actually think this you are a retard.
6) I Fried My Hair Too bad. Everyone has fucked with their hair and lost. Wait until it grows out and don't do it again.
7) I Have Yucky Stuff Under My Nails Duh? Is this a problem? Doesn't everyone get shit under their nails? Clean them. Problem solved.
8) I Bathe Daily But I Reek Hmmm...you didn't mention putting on deodorant so maybe that's your problem.
9) I Smell Down There Oh yes the statement that has plagued womankind for years and made lots of money for Summer's Eve brand products. Your vagina is yours. You know your vagina. If something's funky go to the doctor. If nothing's wrong then get over it. Your vagina is not supposed to smell like anything but a vagina.
10) How Should I Maintain My Bikini Line? I reiterate. Your vagina, your business. You shouldn't take grooming advice from the Internet anyway.